Just fell off a train. Bad.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
