I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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