you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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