wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
