she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
