My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just invented taco cereal.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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