a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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