her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
