New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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