K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
