I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
