I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
