Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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