just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
