just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
