u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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