the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
