mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
