So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
