So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
