My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
