yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
