Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
