her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
