Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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