so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
