I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
