Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
