just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm just crazy horny about you
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize