if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
