I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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