He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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