I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
