Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
