Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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