I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
