my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
