That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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