Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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