If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
