I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
