True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
