On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The feeling are messing with the penis
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
