I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
