You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
