I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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