We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
