wakey wakey hands off snakey
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize