i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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