Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
