idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
