I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
