so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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