he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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