Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
