How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
