in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She's the barista slut.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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