I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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