I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
