Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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